Smoking Turkey

Been watching TV... So, there’s this new Chantix commercial where an animated Turkey climbs out of his tent on a camping trip. All that’s well and good. Chantix helps you quit “Slow Turkey,” is a decent enough slogan. Yes, it’s slightly weird the turkey is wearing casual camping clothes and later goes bird watching. And it’s also slightly weird that the guy tosses his last pack of Camels (with a couple smokes still in the pack) into the campfire. But that’s a good thing. Good for him. Chantix works, apparently. He goes about boiling water in a camp-kettle. With his feathered hand he pops a little blue pill from his opposite feathered hand - in which he’s holding a number of blue Chantix pills. Good for him. But the really weird thing is (and somebody correct me if I’m hallucinating - or if the acceptance of all the other animated weirdness has led me on a slippery slope to madness) Mr Turkey dumps the rest of his Chantix pills into the simmering campfire pot and stirs it into a broth. He sips it with a spoon, and there’s a blue pill in his spoon!

Question: Can Chantix, in fact, be stirred into a tasty soup? Or does this only work for animated turkeys? Or only over a campfire? The turkey sips the soup with a contented look on his face like “Mm. This tastes good.” Does Chantix come in beef bouillon flavor?

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Idk, this could lead to a Tide Pods situation. Or maybe Chantix wants people to try this - regardless as to whether it tastes good or not - simply to sell 20% more pill packs. Kind of like the sales bump Mentos got that month everyone decided to drop one in a bottle of Diet Coke. Or Mr Turkey was tripping balls. Turkey balls. I can buy a woman walking around in nature holding hands with the animated embodiment of her sentient bladder. Campfire Turkey making Chantix Soup is crossing into some heavy absurdist shit.

Then…

Ever notice that in each of the four Chantix Turkey “Quit Cold Turkey” ads, that our protagonist, Tom (I assume) always throws out either a pack of cigarettes with one nail left in the box, or an ashtray with one crushed out butt. So, first of all, he’s not throwing away full packs. He’s smoking them down to the second-to-last cig... because, c’mon. Why waste a full pack? And, secondly, Chantix may not be working so great, or at least it’s more of a struggle than Tom’s laid-back demeanor suggests, because we’ve seen him quit four times now.

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